


Not every cage is a prison, not every loss eternal

by AdmiralKatCornwellfan



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Aftermath, Episode: s02e12 Through valley of shadows, F/M, canon complient, season 2 episode 12, through valley of shadows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 07:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18545224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdmiralKatCornwellfan/pseuds/AdmiralKatCornwellfan
Summary: After visiting Boreth, Pike takes time to decipher what sealing of his own fate to save the federation will cost him.





	Not every cage is a prison, not every loss eternal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Killermanatee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killermanatee/gifts), [KaCole](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaCole/gifts).



> To my wonderful betas, Killermanatee and KaCole.

U.S.S _Discovery_ was still orbiting the Klingon moon of Boreth, and Captain Christopher Pike had just seen the Klingon chancellor off to the shuttle bay. He had performed his duties and responsibilities on autopilot ,from the minute he was beamed off of the moon below until this moment. He walked through the well-lit corridors of the Discovery back to his quarters. Nothing was out of place. Officers were still rushing to complete their duties. But his whole world had spin-off of its axis and he was still reeling from the brutal revelation of his future. His hands burned as if he was still holding that damned crystal, He glanced at his hand discreetly to make sure it wasn’t still there. He rubbed his palms against his jacket in the guise of smoothing down invisible wrinkles and typed his personal code to enter into his quarters. He didn’t call for the lights as he sat upon his couch with a weary sigh.  
  
In the semi-darkness of his abode, everything seemed surreal. Doctors who checked up on him had found nothing had changed in his physiology since the away mission. But everything was different now. He would pay the price to keep all sentient life in the galaxy safe and that price was heavy on his mind right now. His own misfortune seemed tangible enough yet the phrase “all sentient life in the galaxy” was distant and he mentally turned the words in his head until they lost their coherence and meaning, leaving only his misery. It was humiliating that he had to repeat the mantra in his head that this is what a Starfleet captain should do to obtain the time crystal. Any other captain would’ve done their duty without having second thoughts, wouldn’t they? And there he had been, in the cavern, shaking like a green cadet , Emotions churned in the depths of his mind, yet he could actually have sympathy for himself this time. Captain or no captain, it wasn’t everyday a person was forced to seal his own fate. A shitty one at that.  
  
Sitting up from the couch, tossing his jacket away, he grabbed the tumbler of whiskey from the coffee table. Boyce had sent a bottle of single malt with his personal belongings from the Enterprise and Chris had never thought it would come in handy. Until now. He walked to the short distance to the viewport and leaned against it.  
  
Sipping from the crystal tumbler, he sighed and closed his eyes for a moment against the view of the fiery volcanic moon below. The image of his own distorted, mutated face flashed into his mind and he snapped his eyes open. Sighing deeper, he turned his face towards the table where his gaze landed on the holoimage that reflected the light from the viewport in the darkness. A wave of anger surged through him as he hurled the glass away, only to realize his actions as the sound of the glass shattering against the door startled him.  
Pressing his forehead against the cool transparent aluminum of the viewport, he took a deep breath before almost turning to reach for the holoimage on his workspace. But he stopped. There was no use for reaching to it. He couldn’t express his feelings to her. She was out of his reach now. Forever. The injustice of it all made him angry. Angry at the red angel, at Dr Burnham, hell, he was angry at Tyler and all the goddamn Klingons right now. Maybe it would have been better if he had died in the Klingon war. He’d be a war hero. There would be no suffering. Definitely not living the rest of his life unable to do anything he loved to do.  
  
He punched the cool aluminum impulsively, knowing that he’d have bruises on his knuckles but he was past caring. He was going to lose them anyway.  
God. He had been was planning to tell her. To take her to that small restaurant in Milan after they got back to Earth, her favorite, and to tell her that he was in love with her. How could he not be? He might be the captain, but she was number one. After the Talos IV incident, he had thought she would ask to leave. For a week he had woken up every morning, dreading her transfer request on his desk. But nothing like that had come up. She was still the impeccable first officer she was before. And he had no right to tell her how close he had come to choosing her that day. He had wanted to tell her that he loved her. But as always, Enterprise and their mission had come first.  
  
And then the mission had ended and he had received the command from the brass to transfer to take over Discovery. He remembered calling her to his quarters and telling her that he had to leave her behind to cope with all the mess while he went off on an adventure in the most technically advanced ship of the Starfleet. And she had smiled that smile he secretly loved so much , tilted her head a little and left. And it was then he had decided that he’d tell her about his feelings when his mission aboard Discovery came to an end.  
  
Wasn’t it just yesterday night he was planning his future? Of leaving Enterprise behind, securing a teaching position at the academy, and be planet- side for a while.?  
And he knew her feelings. He knew One was called the ice queen behind her back by some fleeters because of her logical approach to any situation and the cool, calm and poised elegance she carried herself, but she was not this cold and unemotional person once you got to know her. And he knew her pretty well. She liked to tease him. And she had an astonishing amount of knowledge about profanity in many languages. And was known to use those whenever she liked. The blush that painted her cheeks whenever he was close by was a telltale sign of her inner feelings for him. He knew her love for spicy Earth food and her fondness for classical literature, despite her logical nature. That she would do anything for her friends and subordinates under her command. That every time they lost one of their officers, she’d shut herself inside her quarters and grieved in her own way.  
  
He almost saw a child, a girl with dimpled cheeks and dark brown hair in, and his home in Mojave and was it just yesterday when it had felt so real? It had felt so close, that he could almost hear the laughter, almost touch the impossibly soft cheeks and hold that precious dream in his arms? And he worried about One’s reaction. He was imagining so many scenarios in his head few nights ago that it took him memorizing the handbook for Starfleet officers to fall asleep. It felt like a lifetime ago. And in some way, it was. A wry grin escaped his lips as he rested his head against the bulkhead and slid to a sitting position near the viewport. Now all that was for nothing. None of it was going to happen now.  
  
For a selfish moment, he still wanted it all. But how could he do that to her? Knowing One so well, she would give up her career, her life for him because he was going to be bound to a wheelchair that was supposed to keep him alive. he had sealed his own fate just few hours ago.  
Ironic, wasn’t it? This happening to the man who had always said fate didn’t matter, that it was everyone’s actions that ruled everything? Was this how his father’s gods decided to punish him for not fully believing in them and not bowing his head to them? For not making his mind devoted to them and taking his life into his own hands and joining the Starfleet? Was this his punishment for uncovering the mysteries of the universe preached as miracles of gods ? To painfully turn his back on her, to watch his most treasured dream wither while he sat in a corner and twiddled his thumbs until he somehow got into his accident?  
  
He wouldn’t drag her into this mess. He loved her too much for that. She would have an amazing future, Full of honor, glory and new discoveries. She will be the captain of her own ship, heck, probably she’d get the Enterprise herself and he knew what an accomplished captain she would be.  
A small smile fluttered across his lips as he looked out of the viewport again, resting his hand against the raised knee of his right leg.  
He would be there when One get her captain’s pips. He would be there to tease her about finally catching up with him. To see her soar through stars when he could not. Hell, the time crystal might have sealed his fate but his love wasn’t sealed. He would do everything in his power to solve this mess, to get back to his ship and damn it all, he would explore the space while he could. Soon, he’d have a lot of time to contemplate and to sit still and he was not going to lose a second now while he still had the ability to do something.  
His eyes shining with the courage that he had found deep within himself, he stood up and called the computer to raise the lights. Pulling on his jacket and zipping it up, he glanced at the holoimage and left his quarters to the bridge in purposeful strides.  
  
In the darkness inside the captain’s quarters, the holoimage glinted once again, as the Number One smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this weeks ago with the intention of posting this before finale but real life had a way of meddling with it. If not for ladies at the bookclub who offered to take a look at the mess I typed, this fic won't be posted. Any mistake is mine.


End file.
